Merlin's Pants
by Miss N. Tonks
Summary: Featuring a drunk Sirius, and equally drunk Tonks, The wrath of Mrs Weasley and a man named Dung who can sleep through anything. [takes place during OOTP]


"What in the name of Merlin's pants is going on in here?!" Roared Mrs Weasley, Her voice echoing around the now silent kitchen of number 12 Grimauld place.

The room looked as if it had been attacked, and so did its, apparently drunk, occupants. Mundungus was sprawled across the floor in the middle of the room snoring loudly, Sirius was sat cross legged on the long wooden table next to a ill looking Bill Weasley and Tonks was stood on top of it at the other end, bottle of firewhisky in her hand and a shirt that was far too revealing for Mrs Weasley's liking. She was now swaying slightly on the spot, where moments before she had been 'dancing'

'Well t'is a party, you see." Sirius said nodding seriously.

Tonks let out a small hiccup, put her hand over her mouth and muttered, "Well I don'ts see what Merl..." She paused to hiccup again "What's his pants... Merlin! Yeah, what he has to do with it all to be honest Molly, he's… s'well, he's not even invited, the git died Didn't he?"

"Nymphadora!"

The use of her first name made the young auror, who was still stood on the table, shout "Its Tonks, T'SONKS" and lurch forward, as if to run at Mrs Weasley, before her feet flew out in font of her. She landed with a thud on the hard, wooden tabletop cursing and shouting, "Ouch! My bloody bum!"

From behind Mrs Weasley Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny roared into fits of laughter, Even Lupin seemed amused and allowed himself to chuckle at Tonks misfoutune.

"How long have you been there?" Mrs Weasley asked, as the bunch entered the room.

"They came to join the party!" Shouted Sirius, leaping up and handing out several firewhiskys.

Mrs Weasley made a shocked noise, before collecting the firewhiskys back from the disappointed children and putting them down on the table with an emphasised thud.

"Drink up!" Sirius beamed, then looked at each of them in turn, apparently confused. He then put his arm around Harry and 'whispered' in Harry's ear loudly; "I was sure I just gave… No? Well… Maybe I drank it? Maybe _you _drank it? Who _knows_… will we ever know? Ah one of life's many un-answered questions, like 'What the hell is you doing here?' haha… Oh well I forget... all day am here, ya know its not fun, well Tonks can cheer me up… but that damn hippogriff…"

Harry never would find out just what 'that damn hippogriff' did, because Tonks had climbed off the table and started shouting again, "This calls for MUSIC!"

Sirius gave her and odd look and said, "Molly love, turn the music back on will ya? Thanks a lot Darling I'll leave a tip when I pay for the meal"

Harry and the rest laughed before receiving an infamous 'Weasley glare' that shut them up immediately.

"There's a lot of things I _do_ regret Harry boy" Sirius said, apparently his sudden change in topic made perfect sence to him.

"I Regret… I regret, what was he called? Phillip! Erg. I regret letting Phillip touch me… ya know_… there_… in the girls bathroom in sixth year." Tonks said, scrunching up her nose as if she smelt something rotten.

Mrs Weasley gasped.

"…Terrible year, was the summer of '87, terrible...and the gold, well…" Sirius muttered to Harry, again the subject of his ramblings had changed so rapidly that Harry had a hard time keeping up.

"Oh it's not too bad, he wasn't the first!" Tonks giggled to herself. Mrs Weasley shut her eyes as if to block out any other Un-wanted information Tonks was planning on sharing.

Tonks continued to giggle for a few moments, however she stopped suddenly, tilting her head to the side with a look of utter disbelieve on her face, before pulling a stand of her bright green hair in front of her eyes and examining it with extreme interest.

"I can't believe it!" Tonks gasped.

"Me Either!" Boomed Mrs Weasley, "_Four_ grown adults, _Four _of you! Drunk as loads and it's the middle of the day! There were children in the house! _Children!_" She stressed the last word with an exasperated look on her face, as if worried she hadn't made herself clear, "At least they were doing something _Useful! _Cleaning up for you lot! What if, What if there was an emergency? What if the order were needed and four of its members were too _pissed_ to care!"

Ron gasped at his mother, as did Ginny and Hermione. Apparently Mrs Weasley did not swear often.

"Pardon my muggle, dear," She said before sighing.

"Well, that's all well and good… I s'was actually talking abouts my hair Molly" Tonks said.

Just as Mrs Weasley was about to reply there was a retching sound from the corner of the room as Bill threw up.

"Oh no, Oh Deary me!" Tonks said in a singsong voice, "Seems we now only has three!" She eyed Mundungus "Or two? Is Dung Dead… Dung Dead… hahaha, Dung Dead…"

Dung continued to snore loudly.

Molly did not seem to be amused by Tonks' drunken ramblings, Sirius, however, did.

"Lighten up molly!" He said grinning stupidly, "Have a firewhisky or three, you'll be as clumsy as tonksie in no time, hahaha!"

Molly seemed to struggle with her words for a moment; Opening and closing her mouth disbelievingly. Ron and Ginny backed away slowly; Harry, Lupin and Hermione took the hint and started to do the same.

"Lighten up?" Molly asked, her jaw twitching slightly, "You want me to Lighten up Sirius?"

The room was very quiet.

"IT'S TWO IN THE AFTERNOON SIRIUS! NO I WILL NOT LIGHTEN UP AND NO I WILL NOT HAVE A BLOODY FIREWHISKY! HAVE YOU ALL GONE MAD? NYMPHADORA TONKS! YOU LOOK RIDICULOUS! HAVE YOU NO RESPECT FOR YOURSELF? DANCING ON TABLES AND, AND YOUR HAIR IS BRIGHT GREEN! AND BILL WEASLEY! HOW MUCH HAVE YOU DRUNK? I EXPECTED BETTER FROM YOU! YOU HAVE MADE YOUR SELF _SICK _FOR MELINS SAKE! WELL AT LEAST YOU AREN'T SPOUTING RUBBISH LIKE THE OTHER TWO! AND AS FOR YOU SIRIUS! YOU'RE HARRYS GODFARTHER, HE LOOKS UP TO YOU, BUT ALL HE CAN SEE RIGHT NOW IS A DRUNKEN FOOL!"

Tonks blinked a few times before starting to cry, Sirius had baked away and was now pressed against the table, Bill was empting the content of his stomach into the kitchen sink and Mundungus was still snoring happily, having slept through the whole thing.

"You ruined my birthday!" Tonks sobbed, "I always have a horr-ib-ible happy birthday!" She stalked towards the door, dropping the bottle in her hand and its contents on sleeping Mundungus, before falling over again.

Tonks started sobbing even more, "And now I've cut my knee!"

Tonks hugged her knees and cover her face, her body shacking due to uncontrollable sobs.

"Here, here Tonksie, I mean, There, there, or…" Sirius had now stumbled over to his cousin and was attempting to comfort her, "What is it they say? Erm, how about a biscuit?" Sirius awkwardly put his arm around the sobbing woman.

Mrs Weasley seemed almost embarrassed that she had reduced the young auror, admittedly not in her normal state of mind, to tears.

"Hey Tonks, I like your hair!" Ginny smiled, "And you look really pretty today, Happy birthday by the way!"

Tonks stopped crying and sniffed a few times, "You like it?" She asked, pulling her still bright green hair in front of here face again.

"Yeah" Ginny said smiling sweetly.

"It's really nice!" Hermione added, also smiling encouragingly.

"Lovely, erh, shade of green…" Ron said, after being nudged by Hermione.

"Erm yeah, and I like that t-shirt Tonks" Harry said a little awkwardly.

Tonks sniffed a few times, "Well T'is.. it is my fave..."

"Erm, Tonks… I..." Mrs Weasley began.

"Hmm?" Tonks asked.

"I.. love that colour on you." She said quickly.

Tonks giggled, "S'ok, sowry… about the noise and, its the aff-lence of the alcohol"

Molly smiled, "It's okay, I'm… I'm sorry for shouting like that dear…"

"S.. sobering Ch-harm" Bill groaned from the corner of the room, his vomiting seeming to have subsided.

Mrs Weasley rushed over and attended to her son.

"LETS PARRRTAAAY" Sirius shouted, laughing and pointing his wand at the muggle 'CD' player in the corner.

Everyone turned to Mrs Weasley expectantly; she sighed and rolled her eyes,

"If you must… But no more alcohol, you too Tonks!... There we are Bill... RONALD WEASLEY PUT THAT FIREWHISKY DOWN RIGHT NOW!"

The room burst into an admittedly out-of-tune rendition of 'happy birthday'

Mrs Weasley allowed herself a small smile before sitting at the table, glancing around to check no one was watching, and taking a sip of firewhisky.

Mundungus Fletcher woke to hear loud music, the smell of firewhisky and to discover that he was _soaking wet_.

As he smelt the un-identified liquid suspiciously Dung could have swore he heard Tonks shout 'Give us a birthday snog, Remus!'

From his position lying on the floor he could see there were several pairs of feet surrounding him, and they were _dancing_…

He pulled himself into a sitting position and surveyed the room once before shouting:

"What's in tha' name of Merlin's Pants, Is going on in 'ere?"

* * *

Drunk Tonks is based on my friend when shes drunk; she shares too much information, laughs at stupid things, but then the slightest thing will make her cry. lol, im sure she would love me if i told her. 

Anyway my first Harry Potter fic! Not my first fanfic, but i have never wrote for HP before, so what did you think?


End file.
